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| i've been so distant
Distance from You means distance from me
Feeling vague and left wanting,
i return
In Returning and Rest
To rest, to wait - i know this is Life
Torn and tattered, dirty and disheveled
i hesitate
My flesh arises
In love with the dark; nails clenching the ground
Nowhere to go and indebted to Love,
i die
The Great Mystery
Dawn breaks over darkness and mercy triumphs over judgment
Bowed down and in awe,
i live.
uh, i'm not sure what really compelled me to blog this. just wrote this as i was sitting at Wild Joes, one of the many coffee shops here in Bozeman.... there are days in my walk with the Lord that a poem is the best way for me to process or to surface what's going on in my heart/life..... today was apparently one of those days. i never really share things i write and don't foresee this becoming a habit, but for whatever reason, just thought i'd let you in on this one.... so there it is. perhaps, if anything, i will at least start blogging on here again.... mercy to you wherever you are today....
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| i haven't written since before i went to new staff training for Crusade down in colorado.... it's crazy what can all change over a matter of 5 months.... i'm thankful for all that's happened and all that is happening now. of course there's still challenges, there always will be.... but i don't know, i guess God's just renewed me in a sense.... renewed my perspective.... brought about more hope....
so here i am, still in kenosha, and in a season where it feels like all i do is wait. but so many good things too.... it's a weird contradiction i guess... i've got all these things i'm thankful for and none of them are fully within reach.... my dream job for one.... i honestly can think of nothing i'd rather do than being able to do what i get to do with crusade. and now, i wait for the day to get to campus. i am so often in awe at the amazing friends God has given me. and i am attempting to come to terms with the fact that i will always be waiting to see one or any of them. and within that realm, i'm so thankful for matt.... and i am constantly waiting to see him and waiting to see what God will do with that... and waiting for all those amazing friends to get to meet him.... so, there's a lot of waiting. But, i don't know.... i'm learning to be content in the waiting and to trust in the fact that God is doing something in the midst of waiting...probably many somethings, and probably many necessary somethings. i'm learning to see that God is showing me grace and mercy in having me wait.... maybe that's what this season is supposed to be about... helping me in that...
so, here i wait, learning to be steadfast and thankful. | | |
| so, tuesday will mark yet another transition for me.... it's funny.... i feel almost numb to this one. i mean, i'm definitely glad and excited for this next step, i'm thankful for God's grace in allowing me to go in this direction, but.... it just feels different than most other transitions in my life.... i guess i just can't see past this moment that i'm in at present.... i feel no anxiousness, wonder, fear, etc.... in the negative or positive sense. i am here now and will get on a plane on tuesday and that's it. i guess the one thing i fear now is that i will step off the plane into a whole different world and be completely unprepared and find myself utterly overwhelmed. it could happen. and i guess it's not the worst thing if it did, just something i'd prefer not to happen.....
now that i'm thinking of it all... i wonder; i haven't been in a situation as such for a while now.... so many new people to meet.... how do i not get carried away with myself.... what do i embrace in my personality and what do i need to be wise in... i'm just thinking of my tendencies to want to force things... staying up with everyone every night, feeling the need to not miss one moment, to be friends with every individual.... who knows, maybe that won't be the case anymore.... i have noticed myself tiring, so to speak.... Tiring not so much of people, new or old, but i guess just of temporary people.... seasonal friends. i guess it's all part of the transition. friends for a season are good. necessary.
i do feel ready. and maybe that's why this transition feels so different than the others. it seems in the others, that i'd always felt like i was just a few steps behind, a few days behind, like time was moving faster than i could process and i was running to catch up..... but i don't know, i guess i just feel ready for it now.... i'm not sure what God has in store, but He's not let me down in all my transition fears before.... so, i'm just ready.
Peace.
(unfortunate how that word has lost so much meaning to close with.) | | |
| On this rainy saturday afternoon with my cup of black coffee, it just seems a good time to write a entralita (that's my made up spanish word for "little entry").
Yesterday, i just had a really good day. i had a full day off, slept in, went for a really great run (i know, seems paradoxical to some, but it really was great), did some laundry, did some support raising (while those previous two items don't seem fun in and of themselves, it just signifies productiveness - and that just feels good sometimes), got two books from Barnes and Noble and then ended with a fun spontaneous sleepover with some girls from work..... nice.
In it all, i just really felt that my head was a little clearer.... to think with a better perspective, to be thankful, to feel secure and at rest..... to just have some good conversations with God....
1 Peter 4:7
"....be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray."
a day not filled with so many distractions..... it was a good day.
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| i got to talk to my friend Jenni last night... we were in Brasil together my second year.... honestly, that conversation was so refreshing to me.... i don't know what it was, if it was the fact that we could relate to each other's "re-entry" experiences, or if it was just the fact that i got to talk to her after not talking much with her for over a year, or if it was just talking to someone who knows me so well.... probably all of the above...
anyway, i just got to thinking about how nice it is to have friends that you can "pick up where you left off..." friends that even though you don't get to live life day-to-day with each other (and even though that still makes me sad at times), you still know the essence of each other and can still hear each other, laugh together, speak life into one another....
i'm thankful for that.
love to you friends. | | |
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